Antlers

Call to vet clinic:

Me: You know those fake reindeer antlers that people put on their pets?

Receptionist: Yes.

Me: Do you make those in hamster size?

Receptionist: Hold on, I'll get the vet for you.

Snow sculpture

Call to vet: I want to make a snow sculpture of my hamster. How long can I keep my hamster outside before it freezes?

Vet: Take it inside when you see its lips turn blue.

Gas

Call to Vet: "My hamster has gas; can I relieve it by squeezing it? Mainly I want to know whether it will go "ppbbththth" or "POP!"

Vet: "Just don't use your car tires to do the squeezing."

Amnesia?

My hamster doesn't seem to recognize its name. I think it might have amnesia.

Nightmare

Whoa. I had a nightmare where I couldn't find my hamster and then in walks my cat wearing a single fur slipper on his hind foot. I still have to keep telling myself it was just a dream.

Ok.

Ok.

I'm going to check again just to make sure.

Nail Polish

Call to Vet: I want to get my hamster some nail polish (CLEAR - nothing gaudy). Can you recommend a brand that has been tested on animals?



Vet: If you want to really polish the nails use a dremel tool. It works on the tip of tail, too.

Cold-weather coat

As the temperature drops, my concern for my hamster rises. I feel the need to get a coat for it, but I want it to be naturally comfortable. This leads me to the idea of a hamster-hair coat. But would such a coat feel natural or be disturbingly gruesome to a fellow hamster?

Hamster Dance

My hamster and I love this song! (It's the hamster dance).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1_kgNp9oQg

Convince

I was using a piece of food to convince my hamster to go into its cage. Then I felt bad because it seemed like I was tricking the poor thing - "Here's some yummy food...Gotcha!" It was at that point that I realized "con" is the first part of "convince"!

Normal smell

Call to vet: I just realized that I'm not sure whether my hamster smells funny because I don't know what they're supposed to smell like. Can you tell me?

Receptionist: Normally hamsters smell funny around the 30th of each month so we don't let people like you talk to the doctor. *pause* Hold on.

Vet: What they're supposed to smell like? Hamburgers on a grill.

Ink jet

This doesn't have anything to do with my hamster (yet), but I was thinking about putting running shoes on an octopus and calling it an "ink-jet sprinter."

Smelling funny

My hamster often smells funny, but it's never "ha ha" funny.

Short tail

Call to the vet: "My hamster's tail seems too short to me; is that why it always seems to waddle like it's off balance?"

Vet: "Yep. I think you might need to put a toothpick on the end."

Whiteners

I can't take it any more; I gotta call the vet.

Call to vet: "I think my hamster's teeth are yellow. Can I use human-grade whitening strips on them if I cut them down to size?"

Vet: "Feed the hamster to your snake; it'll solve all your problems."

Yellow Teeth

I think my hamster's teeth are yellow, but they're too small and there's not enough light to know for sure. It might just be tint from the lampshade. Still, I'm concerned.

Not Breathing

Call to the vet: My hamster's breathing is fast and shallow. Just in case the worst happens, how do you give mouth-to-mouth to a hamster?

Hamster Report is now public!

I have a problem with small animal pets. For example, I had a guinea pig die, so I wrapped it in a plastic bag. While deciding what to do with it, some friends knocked on the door. I placed the bag in the pig's cage and greeted my friends. After sharing my sad news with my friends, one of them looked in the cage and said, "I think I know why your guinea pig died... you wrapped it in plastic!"

Sigh.

Why don't people take rodent pets as seriously as they do canines or felines? Are they any less alive? Doesn't all life have value?

This blog is a public posting of my attempts to maintain the health of my hamster. By providing this service, I hope to get suggestions from other people and provide a support community for others in similar situations. Many of the posts will be short, particularly the calls to my veterinarian. Yes, I actually made these phone calls. My vet is compassionate and so patient, especially since her continuing diagnosis is that it's all in my head.